Sasha's Snippets: The Blog ;)

(even though absolutely NO ONE really wants to…like AT ALL) 

Listen I have been through it all – from having no friends, to being the fat new kid with a fuck ass bob (didn’t get me much more friends), to FAKE friends, to being the ONE person left out in any group, to moving away and making ALL new friends, to friends picking boys or girls over me on every level, to the friend who was your soulmate and sister turning into someone you don’t recognize, and so much more. But chances are so have you all which to be transparent just fucking sucks! Why do we live in a world and perpetuate a society that continues this cycle over and over and over again?! Nevertheless I have a few stories and some insights to share ;))

(also 1. Shout out Jen Cohen for being the only consistent friend I’ve ever had & 2. Yes I know that’s my mom)

Where Did it All Start?

Nothing is more challenging for me to write about than this story. It goes down unquestionably as the most brutal and most painful breakup of my life and the only instance where I have ever struggled with letting someone go and moving on from the idea of us. Not to be all “Oh woe is me,” but I had a really tough school experience growing up, starting from a really young age. From as far back as I can remember, I had one friend in elementary school. Still, she switched schools at the start of second grade, and we lost most contact after that; it only went further downhill. I went years as a young kid with no friends, no play dates, no one to have fun with at recess, and no one to get excited on the first day that I was assigned to sit next to. Instead, I did my math problems in silence, walked around the recess yard feeling the glaring eyes of people around me judge my every move, cried on every car ride home day in and day out to my mom, and didn’t need to worry about things like inviting the whole class to birthday parties because no one was coming anyways. When I was allowed to do things like muster up the courage to eat with the rest of the girls at lunch, I was met with a kind of judgment that impacted me and my eating habits to the point where had I been older, I would have developed a significant eating disorder due to habits that followed me for years and years to come. Regardless, I am the person I am today at the core, the same as I was back then: an extrovert but, more importantly, a people person. I have always strived for connection, and nothing brings me more joy than interacting with others and creating memories no matter how big or small – so these experiences were challenging for a young Sasha and her development. Eventually, after years and years of pain and hurt, my parents were able to pull me from that school and transfer me to a new one for the beginning of middle school. This moment changed everything for me. It was like a rush of air to who I could and would hit me all at once, and the person hiding within me for years exploded into me. I finally had the chance to live a life, no matter how it played out, that wasn’t pre-determined with the social deck stacked against me, and I could learn and live for myself. This brought an entirely new set of social issues for me (and every other middle school girl that has ever lived) to experience, but that’s a different story. Now, while I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, and to my arch nemesis – I know you’re out there, and I hope you’re doing horrible I will say one of the most valuable lessons I keep with me to this day became internalized in me then. For that, I will always be grateful. That is an innate ability to listen, notice, hear, and accept if someone, some group, or any person/collection of people do not want to be in my life or my friend. I know, it seems so simple and obvious; why am I practically bragging about something like this? Well, because it’s really not easy, I’ve had to experience it more times and in more ways than I’d ever liked to!

The Most Painful Breakup of my Life: The Story of Blondie

In the section above, I mentioned that throughout my childhood, I had a friend who transferred schools early on in elementary school, but she was the one person we were together. Later on in life, when we would reconnect, she would truly be the first person I’d experienced real friendship with. To the point where she would live at my house for days on end, come on my family vacations without question, and hang out with my parents unannounced to me – truly, she became as close as you could get with someone over the coming 12-14ish years we spent together. That is until it all came crumbling down, and this is that story. So, with a heavy heart and so much love, this is the story of little Miss Blondie and I.

As I said, little Miss Blondie and I were as close as any two people could get. Everything from family vacations to practically having telepathy – where you saw Blondie, you saw me, and vice versa. For years, this went on – we cycled through friend groups together, horrible classes, weird life experiences, BOYS, everything.

And while there was bad that came with the good when it came to my life with Blondie as it would with anyone, it is essential to this story to make it clear I recognize that 1. Every human on this planet makes mistakes, says the wrong thing, is immature, etc, and deserves all the grace in the world & 2. I feel indebted to make it clear that Blondie saved me in life, and throughout all of our good and bad times, I have always loved her and love her. She picked one of the most special people in the universe to me. I am very selective about whom I spend my time with, so for Blondie to have made the cut enough to even be in my life says something about her as a person that I do not want to get lost in this lesson and story.

Now, during all of these times, there were red flags here and there from Blondie to me with how she treated me – when the world saw me as her overdeveloped fat sidekick and treated me as such, while she never thought of me this way or treated me as such I always felt like I deserved to feel the way people made me feel in her shadow which was compounded by that fact – it seemed she never thought to check on me or do anything to stop it. Still, in my eyes, she wasn’t directly committing any wrongdoings towards me. Hence, I chose to ignore the better treatment I could have deserved from her and made excuse after excuse.

This went on for years – instances like every time a friend or one of her boyfriends was cruel to me, she acted as though it never happened or wasn’t as hurtful as it truly was to me because, as she seemed to see it, that didn’t affect her. So, who cared or people were talking about me behind my back, she would never think to go out on a limb and stand up for me or at the least ask them to stop. I excused this behavior with every trick I could find in the book – “Oh, I’m just SO much more mature than her, so I’m comparing her against myself, and I can’t expect her to operate on my level,” “She does mean any harm by it – in fact, I don’t know if it does it if I was in her position,” or just simply by pretending not to care and sweeping it under the rug. There was NEVER EVER a boundary set or line drawn in the sand with Blondie; I chose to breathe and let it go to pick and choose my battles. Well, that was until my Junior year of high school.

Oh BTW, This all Happened!

Two to three months into my Freshman year of high school on the tiny island of Nantucket, where Blondie and I both lived, my family got a random call one afternoon from a charter school on the mainland that I had applied to have my name entered into the enrollment lottery on a whim the year prior. On the phone, the woman told my family we had approximately a week to decide whether I wanted to claim my spot or forgo it. I had to start the following Monday if we were to claim it. For most people in that situation, this would mean a little shorter or longer drive in the morning and was no big deal. But, for our family, this meant rooting everything I have ever known and thought to be/saw as my path to the unknown. Regardless, once we figured out the logistics in a crazy alignment of the stars, our decision was set in place – I was leaving. This would mean I would be separated from Blondie for the first time since leaving my horror show of a childhood school. This tore at every bit of me, made up of equal parts fear and sadness to be away and apart from her. This was, of course, only made worse by the fact we only had one week to decide, so this resulted in me Irish existing an entire school system and group of people I had been with for years and years. Unfortunately, because of this time crunch, we had only made our final decision the night before Blondie. I’s last day together – a day only I knew would be our last and somehow had to figure out how to tell her.

A Few Months in…

You would think after what I’d been through in other parts of my life with friends, I’d be terrified of making new friends and forging my way through a new school system, never even having toured, being shifted to an entirely different island, and not knowing a single soul, but to be completely honest, I wasn’t one bit. As I said, I’m a natural extrovert; nothing brings me more joy than relationships and connections. Hence, as I stepped through the door of Sturgis Charter School on my first day, I was simultaneously heartbroken to be without Blondie but excited to meet my new people. Which I, of course, did almost instantly, and it was beautiful beyond words. I would be with them during the day and then book it to the boat at 3:10 when the bell rings to catch the boat home and hang out with Blondie at night. It was amazing. That was until COVID hit.

I won’t harp on that part, though, cause honestly, I hate talking about it just as much as you hate reading about it.

I have always been a quality over quantity in friends type of person – whether by choice or circumstance, that has always been my truth. During COVID, I cut my circle down significantly, became closer to new/certain people, and figured out what I saw as a social path for myself that made me so happy. At the center of this school-based social circle, I found myself closest to someone the grade above me who will be referred to as Horse Girl amongst a few select others. I told Horse Girl about my life and Blondie’s role in it/vice versa, and this went on for around a year and a half.

Ok Time for Sh*t to hit the fan

That was until the fall of my junior year of high school. Everything was terrific – I was on a high, going so well in life that I couldn’t escape it. Horse Girl and I were still BFFs and going strong in a friend group with two others that will be referred to as Horse Girl’s sidekick and the Homewrecker. Aside from that, Horse Girl and I had our guy friends we were so close with, too, and she had a situationship going on with a guy known as The Candyman. This situation was on the SUPER down low, but for me, because I could not tell anyone about the parts of my life that included Horse Girl and Candyman’s stuff that would know this made Blondie the perfect candidate to know/hear about everything.

October/November/December/January:

Because of how well life had been going in all areas, socially, academically, etc, as someone who has a substantial amount of social anxiety, I felt comfortable enough to take a risk and threw my first party on Halloween that year. This seems small, but it was a pretty big deal because my social anxiety had never allowed me to feel so secure and loved in my friendships before going out on this limb. But I did, and it went absolutely fantastic! This led to another party, and another, which I threw with the specific purpose and goal of finally having Blondie get to meet my other friends and vice versa. This party seemed to go off without a hitch to my oblivious and hopeful eyes. Everyone that mattered to me had now met and were new friends with each other – to this, I couldn’t have been more wrong or more right. Especially as the months passed and I told Blondie a story about the Candyman, her ears perked up just a little more, or 2-3 questions would follow. Even just her showing these signs of interest in specific moments was enough for a giant pit in my stomach to form and fear to creep in. Mainly because if I knew Blondie, I knew she was consistent for one thing – how she took on the world was like it was her world, and everyone else existed in it as an out. Because of this fear and intuition, I did something I had never done before: I drew clear boundaries with Blondie – even stating, “This is the only time I’ve ever drawn a boundary with you; please stay away from Candyman for my sake – it not right and it will mess up my life so hard.”

I was assured over and over again that, of course, she would, and no, she would never do something like that – shame on me for believing her word.

January 17:

January 17th is the day for my friends and family I refer to it as my own personal D-Day in the history book of my life.

It all began when I saw a girl strangely resembling Blondie posted wrapped around Candyman on his public Instagram story. Still, I chose to tap past this and not investigate because I trusted Blondie, and she gave me her word. It wasn’t until many hours later after I FaceTimed Blondie to tell her about the insane weekend I had just had to before she could even finish saying, “Sasha, I need to tell you something, and you’re going be mad.”

Instantly, my head fell to my hands and I knew exactly what was about to happen.

In seconds, the entire life I had built for myself crumbled before my eyes. The blatant disrespect, unkindness, and lack of love shown by two of the closest people to me dumbfounded me. But even then, all I could get angry at or think about was how they told me. Not that they thought to show me enough humanity to say it to me first, second, third, or fourth, not to speak to me before they went official or public in general, but to tell me after they went fully public and only after I brought it up to them and confronted it. That betrayal hurt just as much as their actual choices.

Yet, nothing hurt more than the crack I felt in that moment between Blondie and I’s friendship that gouged and burst open a wound that had been building and I had been slowly patching for years right then and there.

Soooo What Happens Now?

Blondie:

After that day, Blondie went on to date the Candyman for about a year and broke up in a pre-college blaze of emotional abuse. After already dealing with the toxic and manipulative consequences that being with him brought – things I only ever wanted to shield her from.

Me:

After that day, I dealt with the consequences of Blondie’s actions. I was locked for the next week in a midterm testing room 15 that included both Horse Girl and the Candyman – which still goes down as one of the most miserable experiences of my life. In 24 hours, I lost all of the close friends I had made. I became the target for everyone’s opinion, anger, and actions towards this situation. Still, most significantly for me, Blondie lost my trust after that day.

My genuine trust is something that only a single-digit amount of people have; it is not easy to get, but it is almost impossible to lose.

With friendship breakups, often everyone experiences your typical handful of trivial losses over their lifetime. That’s not to say it didn’t hurt like hell when your middle school best friend picked hanging out with the cooler girls and left you in the dust. Still, at the core of the ones that matter or leave a mark, I believe it is because it is a betrayal linked to trust.

In this case, when my trust was broken, so was my heart like never before. And more than that, it broke my heart knowing that Blondie understood precisely what trust and loyalty meant to me and that she could still dishonestly make the choices she did without detectable remorse.

Nevertheless, our lives went on, and as time progressed, all I wanted was to get Blondie back in my life and to forgive her even though she hurt me like this.

So I sacrificed again, healed myself, and tried my best even though the Candyman was still in the picture. We moved through our turmoil, and our friendship was fine below surface level. But now that my former love bubble or friendship with Blondie had been broken every time she intentionally or unintentionally made a comment or did something hurtful to me or at my expense that I had let slide before, I could not brush it off as quickly, and every instance or comment clung to me like Velcro.

But as time went on and moments accumulated, a feeling always stuck with me: I never felt like the hurt and breaking of my heart/trust was acknowledged by Blondie in general or even when she apologized. But on top of a few pretty hurtful actions that just kept occurring, my brain could no longer move through life like this, especially because every hurtful choice made just seemed to stem from what I deemed to be simply a place of lack of care or regard for me, my life, the hurt/damage to things caused to my life, how her actions might hurt me, or my overall feelings. And even in trying to play her devil’s advocate, it seemed that even if there was regard and thought put in, Blondie was choosing to not value it/me or that it/I didn’t matter enough for a long long time.

Bye Bye Blondie

Over the next year, after Blondie broke my heart and she and the Candyman’s relationship ran its course, I also had someone new come into my life. I began my relationship with Arizona Man, and this was the beginning of a new perspective for me to look at the Candyman and Blondies relationship (as mine was so wonderful and healthy) and see how, from that lens, and the Candyman was toward Blondie and Blondie was toward me. It got to the point where I tried as hard as I could. Still, I could no longer keep sacrificing my peace and happiness when I felt like someone didn’t care about me in the same way, especially when I had someone in my life showing me what it felt like to be cherished as I should be.

At this time, I had already felt like Blondie was attempting, for whatever reason, to phase me out of her life to a certain extent. As time went on and on, and I had my eyes opened to come to terms with how one-sided our friendship had become, I realized two things.

First, how pathetic I looked, lusting after this relationship that only I seemed to care about, and second, if our friendship did actually go both ways, how pathetic I looked, allowing myself to be treated the way I was in our friendship.

My final straw though and the day no one, including I, ever thought would come came, and I was done. This was when I chose to go to an event out of love, respect, and the goodness in my heart to honor Blondie and all we had shared. Unfortunately, I left this event in ugly crying tears, feeling belittled, made fun of, singled out, and just a shell of myself. I felt a way I promised little me I would never let someone make her feel again, and to have that someone have been Blondie – a girl once considered family – I didn’t even know what to do with myself. All I knew was I was done.

No Contact Fu*cking Sucks!

I did not feel the need to have it out with Blondie or harp on all I felt or thought. At the end of that day, as I ran away from Blondie’s event, all I knew was it was finally clear to me what everyone who had been telling me I needed to separate myself from her and not actively subject me to that pain anymore was oh so true. And come back to my old grounding philosophy with people and friends that I never could have imagined applying towards her one day but that “it’s ok if people don’t want to be friends and that I’m never gonna force anyone to be friends with me that doesn’t want me or value me. And while it hurt like hell, the pain of having no contact silently and kindly with Blondie because I genuinely didn’t feel valued or even that she shared that same sister love for me anymore was needed to accept reality and protect myself from being hurt so profoundly anymore.

After this choice, Blondie and I ran parallel paths through moving, college, etc. As the expression going watched each other’s lives through pictures. I received the occasional Snapchat or text from Blondie, which I now believe/know had excellent and kind intentions behind it. Still, at the moment, it filled me with every kind of rage, sadness, hurt, disbelief, and confusion, but mostly a mix of all at once. It only cut deeper for me that Blondie was attending the same college as Arizona Man. I, typical Sasha fashion, was EXTREMELY private about Arizona Man. I’m a breakup, so to have her getting to be in the same vicinity as him, but I couldn’t nearly break my brain with jealousy and spiteful desire. As hard as I tried to ignore style and no contact with Blondie, I felt like she always found a way to puncture my heart. But the day I decided to actually commit to leaving her private stories, muting her Instagram, muting her notifications, etc., and go full-on breakup mode, no contact with Blondie (something extra hard for someone as chronically online and stalkers as I am to do) was one of the worst and hardest choices I have ever made. But also one of the best.

Now Here is Where Blondie’s Story Ends:

It’s been months since I talked to Blondie, and I’ve come to terms with our scenario regardless of how I feel or our history. Blondie and I’s maid of honor at my wedding type friendship was over.

Horse Girl, Horse Girl’s Sick Kick, The Home wrecker, and The Candyman are all way out of my and Blondie’s life FOR GOOD!

And I’m still working every day to heal from my own hurt and resentments in life. But I’m also at the point where I can tell the whole Candyman and Blondie story as a “you think that’s crazy, listen to what I went through one time” instead of dwelling. And truly, that is where I thought our story would close forever.

Until November 2023, when Blondie made contact for the first time in approximately four months…..

As I said before, one of the only things I will never do is let someone who did me as wrong as Blondie did back into my life. I have too much self-respect, and post-breakup, I had worked WAY too hard on myself at that moment to allow her to ruin it all and weasel back in. In fact, the second her name popped up on my phone, I let out a mental laugh because I knew there was nothing she could say or be texting about that would ever get her a response.

Well here’s where this story takes a turn

I read what she said and quickly realized it was a cry for reconnection and reconciliation. And while I have let it just sit there, my, under any other circumstances, was touched in a way. For some reason, I made the most unexpected move I could have

I stood up for myself.

I won’t say what parts, and I won’t say where, but bits and pieces of my message back to Blondie are scattered through this post. I cannot stand up for myself if I am known for one fatal personality flaw. When it comes to school, work, or life, yes, I have no problem standing up for myself. Still, when it comes to friendships, my anti-confrontation default is to take the path of least resistance and choose the high road to move forward. Never did Blondie expect to hear my real, honest pain and truth. And yes, it was about 36 paragraphs long; it comes with being friends with me – she lived, don’t worry. But nothing felt better and scarier than being able to express my process, bottled up and locked in pain and hurt to Blondie and to have her receive it at a time in her life when she was mentally and emotionally ready to.

Because of this, Blondie and I healed and reconciled together like we never missed a beat. Blondie is finding herself and realizing what matters in life and the true extent of the value of not just a friend but a sister I bring to the table and realizing the extent she was talking to me and that for great. I was able to make a choice that allowed Blondie to come back to be in a time where she was ready to be the version of herself I always saw in her but also that I deserved to have as a friend and sister. I learned to stand my ground and up for myself in the most painful and hardest scenarios.

I truly believe the “everything happens for a reason” spirits were at play here, and at every point in this story, that is what I come back to. I offer this story to you – the reader in hopes that truly, as crazy, hopeless, painful, and grave of a situation you may be in with whomever you may be in it with trust, everything will be ok. You will survive, and NOTHING will go like you think it’s going to. Just remain authentic and genuine to yourself, and your power and light will shine through – those who value that and see you for you deserve to stay and will treat you accordingly, and those who don’t (in the moment, it’ll feel like unfortunately), but they won’t – and you will be better for it, I promise❤️

P.S. ILY Blondie and I’m so thankful to call you my best friend again and know I’m lucky enough to be apart of your life❤️

A Blondie life update in case you are nosy like I would be and curious: she is currently back at school and has found a loving and worthy boyfriend who cherishes her as she should be; she is happy and healthy and surrounding herself with wonderful and genuine people like herself who increase her quality of life. She and I are back to life like nothing ever happened – except better because we went through this together. Also, not that any of you know who Blondie is, but I need to hype her up for a second cause she’s also thriving and a legit model. Her goodness on the inside is fully manifesting on the outside, so go, Blondie! #1fan❤️