They say the transition to college is the most significant life change we – the average American will ever experience. So what happens when the girl who has never cared about boys falls in love, conquers all obstacles not many relationships could survive, has an extraordinarily healthy and happy long-term relationship, and then out of nowhere gets broken up with two weeks before college starts? What happens is my story….
Arizona Man
Firstly, I want to say that I have overflowing love for Arizona Man and our time together. He is one of the greatest people I have ever met, and I will forever have so much true love for him.
But one thing you need to know about me is I have never cared about boys, relationships, being single, third wheeling, etc. This seems impossible to say or believe to be true. Still, it is – now, that’s definitely not to say I never had crushes or wanted to be liked by someone, and so on, but I was never phased really when I wasn’t. For example, in a world where I feel like people are experiencing their first, I am so much younger now; I did not even have my first kiss until I was 16 at the end of my sophomore year of high school. So when I met the man I will refer to as Arizona Man, and we found our way into a whirlwind romance for the ages, no one, including myself, saw it coming.
Arizona Man and I’s first few interactions weren’t the most seamless, to say the least. This included our first meeting while I was kissing his friend (Headlights Boy) and spent the entire night ignoring every advance he made at me while we were at a party he attended with our mutual friends while he was summering in my hometown of Nantucket. Unfortunately for Arizona Man, who recalls this night instead of being the moment he first saw me and knew it was “love at first sight.” This night was the last of his year’s vacation, and he flew home the next day. We both forgot the other existed. However, the next year, while on a drive with one of our mutual friends, she got a text from Arizona Man and his sister asking to hang out that night – and our mutual friend, knowing me who is down for anything, instantly agreed. After picking Arizona Man, his sister, and our other mutual friend up that night, we drove around singing and laughing for a while, then ended the night stargazing on the beach together. At this point, I still did not recognize or remember Arizona Man, but he did recognize me. But of course, laying there in the sand like any teenage boy on the high of freedom vacation brings, Arizona Man spent the entire night trying to flirt or make a move on me. Moves to which I was emphatic about dogging because what had happened with Headlights Boy the previous summer and how those actions were completely out of character for me. I was determined not to kiss any more of my friend’s side character friends they brought along. To Arizona Man’s credit, this night, I will say his first guess got my zodiac sign correct with no prior knowledge, and Capricorn is not an easy first guess. However, it still did not earn him the time of day from me – only my phone number at the end of the night under the false pretenses of letting him know if any parties were happening. (false pretenses I completely fell for btw) Regardless, over the next few days, I continued to run into Arizona Man and his family going to parties, dinners, and kickback barbecues at their home. But throughout the days, I kept experiencing weird moments of a spark when I would touch his hand by accident or notice him go out of his way to be with or around me, and I desired it. One night, after hanging out with Arizona man and his friends from home who were visiting with him, we decided to cram all seven of us in my Jeep Wrangler and go to a party that night. Yet again, Arizona man attempted to make every move on me from when we got into the car to when we found our sport at the party. Until he finally just said something like, “Hey, do you wanna go over to the sand dunes for a sec?” which translates to, “Hey, wanna go hook up?” Especially seeing as all but one of our friends had just gone to do that exact thing. Nevertheless, I told him, “Nah, I’m good people-watching from here for right now,” which didn’t phase him. But as the night went on for the next two hours, he just stood there with me – sometimes talking and laughing, sometimes in complete silence, hands slowly moving from his side to my hips to a full embrace, which I, for some reason, allowed. And by the time our night was over, I felt something so strong and now different with Arizona Man that his reward was a quick and loving kiss. The next night, I returned to Arizona Man’s house. After spending time with him and his friends and family again, slipping little handholds or stolen glances at each other, he and I were left cleaning up. He invited me to come “hang out” in his room. I didn’t know what this meant, what it would mean, or what implications it could have, but as if I lost control of my mouth, I (someone with extreme social anxiety) instantly said yes. For the next four hours, we just sat on his bed, talking about the world, places we wanted to go, things we loved, ideas we had, slipping a hand on the knee, laughing, or making prolonged eye contact there. But by the clock struck 4:30am, I knew I had to be home as friends were coming into town that day. As Arizona Man walked me out to my car as I went to get in, he suddenly pulled me back and broke the tension that had built all night with a kiss. I didn’t see Arizona man for the next few days but missed him. That was until I invited Arizona Man, his friends, and our mutual friends to come to the beach with my friends and me, but only Arizona Man and his friend came. We went through hours of testing the waters with a handhold here or touch there, but it wasn’t until Arizona Man came over to my house that night that we knew something was different. Again, I fell for the oldest trick in the book. He asked for a house tour, which resulted in us lying together, looking up at my ceiling, knowing nothing could ever be the same. Night after night and day after day for the next week, Arizona Man and his group came back. They spent with my friends and me, and we moved from secret kisses to public cuddles, leaving everyone around us in shock. It was Arizona Man’s last night of his trip, and after dropping my friends at the boat for their ride home, I booked it straight to pick him up cause we had planned to spend some time together that night. This night proceeded to go anyway, but the way we expected it to. After dropping him home, I got the ever-important etext asking me for a breakfast date the next morning. We ate, listened to music as we watched the waves crash down, laughed, talked, and dreaded this moment that was sabot to come. I dropped Arizona Man off near his family to meet up with them as it was their turn to head home over 3,000 miles and two time zones away to Arizona. I did not expect this moment to break my heart in the way it did, but I spent the next week or so as I texted him, constantly longing for him. This was when some people around us got the crazy idea that I should fly across the country for a long weekend the week before my senior year started to visit Arizona Man. As the least impulsive person to walk this planet, I instantly rejected this plan but was convinced and flew out three days later. While visiting Arizona Man on that trip, my whole life was changed. He and I both knew we were now something as we didn’t want to live lives the other wasn’t in, but dating seemed completely out of the equation. Nevertheless, I flew home, and over the course of us talking all day every day for the next two-ish months when I made a pit stop on my California college tours to see Arizona Man and be his homecoming date, he didn’t waste a second after my plane landed to do what he’d wanted to for months but had waited till we were in person for and ask me to be his girlfriend. After that, he and I lived an extremely healthy fairytale long-distance romance for approximately 10 months of trips back and forth, texts, calls, and so much love. This was, of course, until two weeks before we were both set to move into our university.
That Scary Thing Called College
My college decision process was beyond emotional, time consuming, and challenging, it came down to the wire. I won’t pretend I was perfect or knew what I was doing. For those who don’t know, May 1st is National Commitment Day for schools you have been accepted to – but all this means is you must put an enrollment deposit down at a school to confirm and secure your spot. However, by this time in my senior year, I still hadn’t been able to make my decision. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by the best support system, and my parents put down deposits at two schools for me. The first schools were Tulane University (I attend now) and the Arizona State University Honors College. Having it down to these seemingly polar opposite two schools is very confusing on the surface level. Still, it came down to a few crucial factors relating to what I wanted in a school.
Musts: WARM WARM WARM (no seasonal depression), mid-size, LOTS of school spirit, sports atmosphere, a party scene I could have fun in but not feel FOMO about, and I did not want to attend a pressure cooker.
My Final Factors:
- I attended an IB (International Baccalaureate) high school, which meant it was exceptionally academically rigorous. I was constantly saddled with a large docket of work and very little free time to decompress or enjoy myself. Therefore, when looking at colleges, it was desirable for me to go somewhere where I could catch a break for the first time in four years. (Pro for Arizona State)
- Both of my parents attended and fell in love at Tulane Law and I have always loved and felt strangely connected to the university and New Orleans as a home and special place. (Pro for Tulane)
- My boyfriend, at the of seven months, was planning on attending Arizona State, and in this scary significant life change, that felt like some security and guaranteed safety. (Pro for Arizona State)
- My ex best friend at the time who had broke my heart with how she acted towards me had done what felt like blindsiding me and chosen to attend Arizona State even though it was never on her radar and it was known I was potentially going to go there and my boyfriend at the time was going to go there so it felt slimy of her. (Con and Pro for Arizona State)
- New Orleans while it is a dangerous city felt homey and more of a known factor for me – as well as i enjoyed the feeling of safety the so called “Tulane Bubble” provided which I didn’t feel visiting Tempe. (Pro for Tulane)
- But most importantly the weather was warm and there was no option for seasonal depression to hit while attending either school. (Pro for both)
Throughout choosing of course, I heard and listened to everyone around me say, “Make sure you don’t pick a school just for a boy,” or “You can’t pick this place, or you have to pick that place,” and everything in between. But eventually, after wracking my brain as hard as possible, I decided on Tulane University – and now I could not be any happier. But after I told my parents my decision, I was saddled with telling Arizona Man. To his credit, his immediate and only response to being told I was choosing somewhere else to take my future was to give me the biggest hug in the universe and shower me with how proud he was. Even though on the inside he was breaking as this was a choice I made, knowing that it would mean our already almost a year-long distance relationship would have to continue that way instead of being by his side, which was a burden that sits with me to this day. Thoughts of what if and was i the true reason we ended sit in the back brain. However, I am confident enough in the relationship Arizona Man, and I had and our honesty that at the end of the day, I’m blessed with a settled mind that that’s not the case.
The Beginning of the End
At this point in Arizona Man and I’s story we had been together officially for nine months (unofficially 1 year) and were days away from our 10 month anaversiry. Arizona Man and his family had reacently arrived for Arizona Man snd I’s third summer together. But this summer was diffrent – we had beautiful and normal times but here and there we’d expirenced moments of trouble in paradise the past few weeks though not to the fault of either of us. We had been unfortunately put in a position by outside forces where to put it simply I was being iced out of his life. Lost, abandoned, bullied, scared, confused were just some of the words the swirrilled around my brain while I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t understand why or how people who had always been so kind and supportive and others who had no place in my business personally attacked me, defamed me, and dragged me though the mud emotionally and mentally. None of it made any sense to me but in the face of it I responded as I always do (to a fault) with shows of love, generosity, and kindness in an attempt to make it stop. But deep down I knew there was something larger at play and felt the crush of my powerlessness grinding me down until I finally fell. Then on a late July night after the most wonderful and picturesque date my entire world came crashing down.
The Four Day Rule
I hold my breakup with Arizona Man near my heart and take comfort in it.
As crazy as that may sound, my breakup with Arizona Man however blindsiding and treacherous was handled lovingly and gently – and for that, I will always thank Arizona Man from the bottom of my heart.
Down to him using the bathroom mid-breakup and writing me a secret love note (writing is his love language) that he handed me as he left my room to go back home. The last thing I remember is that as he walked out, I called my mom from the other room to come in. But he ran into her in the hallway first and broke the news through his tears. To which he was only met with a hug and the knowledge/reassurance that he would always be loved and welcome here.
But that first night was like no other I had experienced before.
I didn’t cry for myself. In fact, I didn’t even think about myself or start to contemplate the fact we had just broken up. I just cried and cried out of sadness at the knowledge that he was going to have to go home with this pain we were both feeling that night and had no one that he could talk to anymore about his feelings. My final act of that night, through my numbness and execution, was to make our mutual friends, who had set us up, aware we were not together anymore as I felt they needed to know, especially seeing as they were hanging out at Arizona Man’s house as this was happening.
On day two, I managed to text my two closest friends, Arizona Man and I’s mutuals, to update them on what had happened, and I don’t know where I would be without them today. They got me out of the house to see the sun and tried their best to love me as much as possible because no one had ever seen me like this before. On day three, after Arizona Man and his family/friends had left Nantucket, one of our mutual friends came to my house. Concerned as well to check on me, and to her, I owed everything. Had she not come over and let me laugh, smile, talk in circles over and over about the same thing, and find some joy in a world I was only existing, not living in at the moment, I never could have survived this. Then day four came, and Arizona Man and I exchanged our first messages, checking in on each other since it all went down. As lovely as the messages felt and were, I was still all consumed by my pain and stuck in the same cycle for days after. However, at this same exact time, I needed to pack and prepare to move into school in two weeks. To this day, I don’t remember filling anything or making any of those choices because I was in so much pain my brain whipped it away. But about a week after the break up at Arizona Man’s request, it was our anniversary, and that meant we were gonna FaceTime and check in with each other. This was the first time since we had spoken or seen each other’s faces. And as we had previously been in contact all day, every day for a year on end, this absence of this other human had left an unfillable void. We talked for hours, laughed, smiled, and bantered like we had never ended. That was August 6th, 2023. Aside from a few messages when we moved into our universities, some confused texts, and Snapchats here and there, Arizona Man and I have not spoken.
Did I Make it Through and Where is Arizona Man Now?
Swallowing the pill of moving on from Arizona Man was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried and cried, I sunk into depression, I felt pain like I never knew one human could – and did it all while learning my new normal as my entire life had just changed, moving into University. But I did it and will tell you exactly how I did it, and I even pretty much moved on, forgetting Arizona Man existed; well, that was until I saw his new girlfriend and him on social media together, seemingly moved on and hard launching an appropriate and respectful only four months later.
But that is a story for a future post.
For now, I hope the story of Arizona Man and I warms your heart and that there is some aspect you can find yourself connecting to. But most importantly, I hope someone else out there, just like me, who is struggling, can see a way out – even from kinds of pain and things one could never imagine in a universe where they could survive. To conclude, a sentence that has resonated in my core to remember is Taylor Swift’s where, “There’ll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you. Both of these things can be true. There is happiness.”
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